The Consummate

The Vaginal Speculum

Posted in family, Feminism, friendship, health, humor, life, love, neighborhood, oldies, relationships, sex, vacation, WTF by the consummate on July 5, 2011

Lady Don’t Tek No – Latryx

After months of putting it off, I finally went to the gynecologist today. I must say that I’ve certainly had plenty of strange experiences in my life – but not particularly when it comes to the gyno. Sure, I’ve been a starving creative in New York and spent some time at the Margaret Sanger Center at Planned Parenthood on Bleecker Street. There you found women like me, too poor to attain health insurance but not poor enough to be considered poor. Does this strike you to be familiar Americans?

Nevertheless, I hold dual citizenship in the US & in Hungary. Clever me, believed I could obtain free medical care while in Hungary, one of the reasons I scheduled an appointment to see the doctor here. In Eastern Europe. Yes. I am crazy.

Seeing as how I am not fluent in Hungarian my barát accompanied me to the hospital where my own grandfather had passed away 20 years ago. We waited for over an hour with a few normal people like us, the proli and what seemed to me to be hookers (it was explained to me that often young, small town women dress up as if they are going to the club when they travel to a bigger city and by a bigger city I mean a population of perhaps 35K).

When my name was finally called we quickly shuffled in to the doctor’s office to be greeted by an old man (the doctor) and a old woman (the nurse), both of whom sat at a desk, the nurse in front of a computer. The room was out of the communist era – nothing modern,  the couches were made of a blue velvet material and  there was water in a pitcher with glasses on a tray (clearly for show because I don’t know who would feel comfortable enough to sip a cool, tall glass of water in that office).  I took a seat while my barát, who happens to be extremely tall, stood by my side to translate possibly the most humorous, awkward and humiliating aspects of my life such as my sexual past, if I’d had ever been pregnant, so on and so forth.

At the end of the questioning, I was told to go behind the curtain for an exam. First, you must understand that I have NEVER EVER seen a male gynecologist in my life and because of my past experiences, I found it quite nerve wracking to have an elderly Hungarian man look at my pum pum.  I looked for a garment to wrap around my upper body while on the table in stirrups during the examination. I guess it was a CRAZY thing for me to ask for (hello, this is common practice in the States) but there was nothing.  My barát kept saying “just take off your clothes” as I was behind the curtain. I started to untie my Isabel Marant overalls when the doctor came in and started pulling at the pant legs. Clearly he thought he was translating “take off your clothes”. OH MY FUCKING GAWD, is this a nightmare? I quickly undressed and used the overalls as my cover garment, hopped on the table and into the stirrups.

My barát had to come into the examination “room” (note it was just a curtain divider) and translate. Humiliating. As he walked in, he said “OH MY GAWD” in a Hungarian accent and laughed awkwardly. Clearly, there is nothing to hide anymore, he’s seen it all.  Come to think of it, now that I’m reflecting on the experience,  I’m not sure if the doctor wore gloves during the examination. I really hope so and wasn’t looking at the doctor or my barát as I used my overalls to cover my body and my hands to cover my face in embarrassment as I had  to hear the doctor ask in Hungarian and later have his questions / my answers translated while fingers were poking my insides and the other hand pressed against my abdomen. FYI: I cannot recall if the doctor used lubricant for the vaginal speculum.

After the examination I was briefed on my vagina’s current state (I’m still in business people) and a nurse arrived to walked me to the billing office. The total for my examine: 7,500 Forints, today that’s about 41 US dollars, far less that what I would have paid for in the states (even with insurance) but I must say I paid a bigger price when it came to privacy + humiliation. The honeymoon is over baby.

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